Well it would appear that the vodoo hex may have been lifted or maybe I just took a step back and looked at myself and the vodoo woman and said give me your best shot. There is nothing you could throw my way that i haven't dealt with before. I will pull through this bull shit and when I do I will turn and tell you exactly what I learned and I will tell you thank you. I still amaze me sometimes. I wonder where it all comes from and then I see my family and as much trouble as they may sometimes be, they taught me very early on how to deal with what life throws at you. It is such a kewl feeling. Things didn't really get better, simply my perception of what is going on has changed and the realization that I can handle this shit, the same way I have handled it all before. It does offer a sense of accomplishment... funny.
So the demons made a momentary appearance and I laughed in their faces. Oh what a feeling that is, to be able to stare at that which used to send you hiding under the covers and laugh. I feel empowered and able to conquer anything... I will do well in school and I will find a place to perform and I will have all those things, feelings, and accomplishments that I have been yearning for. I will do all of this by recognizing how far I have already come and giving myself a hell of alot more credit than I like to do. I wonder sometimes if those people close to me really realize how much of an effect they have on me and how the smallest comment can cause me to open my eyes and to chill. I am keeping some people very close these days and they are so dear. I am slowly developing new frienships and taking my current relationships a step further and I am spoiling myself. Letting myself live off of coffee from time to time, taking the time to read, to do my nails, to sit and watch a sunset from time to time.... to remember what it is to actually live and not just go through the motions. The smallest things....
If anyone reads this.. there is one thing ... please send some good karma to me to pass on to my uncle.. he is still very sick, but I know he will pull through... he is a wonderful man and I am thinking about him all the time.

April 19 2002 ...

Ok so the last week has been this bizarre nightmare that i can't seem to wake up from. it is weird, cause it is a bunch of little things that by themself wouldn't bother, but when everything is hitting me one after the other is a bit much. i consider myself as someone who will roll with the punches, but jesus how many punches do i get exactly? it just seems like it is one thing after another and though i am resilliant and such.. i do have my irritability thresholds and i am certainly reaching mine. the thing is that some of the crap bugs me cause it is my own damn fault and other things bug me cause i have no control over them.. it is like i can't win. the worst part about this week is getting news about my uncle. he is one of those uncles who was always preety kewl, gentle, loving ..all that stuff. him and my aunt live around the block from my parents so i kinda grew up with them. it was nice. he was the last person that i ever thought would get sick. and now he is and it is scaring me. i don't know how serious yet, but he is in alot of pain and i wish so much that i could stop it. and to imagine thepain his wife is feeling right now and my father. as much as i may have already seen whenit comes to pain and suffering, it still hurts to see someone you love in pain. we all know that, but for some reason we try to hide it.. why should we? ok so i think my brain is all scattered and i am not really forming coherent thoughts anymore... i think tonight might be a paper journal night.

April 4 2002 ...

So yesterday I gave blood for the first time and for some reason there was this explosion of emotions. I am not really sure where it came from, but it actually felt good. I vented for a while with Tony and then when I got home...I put it all down on paper. It didn't feel like something that I wanted to share with anyone ... it was a little too close ... my god it felt so good to be writing again.. writing here feels so different, then when I am holding the pen in my hand. The words seem to flow easier. Weird... I never realized it until last night. I started a new journal last night that a long lost friend had given me for my birthday. It was nice.. it felt like a new beginning of sorts. I have recently been feeling liker there have been lots of new beginnings. As I reevaluate things in mylife, I gain perspective on where I have been and how far I have come. I have been through so much.. I guess that was a focus last night for me. It seems like so long ago, but I so vividly remember the pain and the hurt. Whenever I am told I just can't understand what someone is going through.. I want to scream. As if I have always had things wonderful. I have never claimed to know exactly how a person feels, but to be treated the way I sometimes am...it bothers me. Who are these people to treat me like an unknowing child? They say I could never understand, yet they claim to know exactly where I am in my life and the "little" I supposedly had to go through to get there. I am sure things could have been worse, but I can gauruntee it was not a fuckin field day.
So the original reason I started this thing was so I could start writing again.. i miss my stories.. but I have yet to be inspired... I guess I will wait and see what my mind gives me later....at the moment...I am daydreaming....

April 1 2002 ...

Well the application has been mailed. I have signed my life over for the next 2 years. Hey maybe not the best way to look at it, but at least I am being realistic. Anyway seems like an appropriate start to a new month
So the past few weeks, alot has happened. Not so much as physical events as much as changes in the way I think and what I value. I have had friendships tested. some failed and some passed with flying colors. I have had my understanding of the world and the people in it shaken. I have seen my family on a different level and I have opened myself up to those close to me. I am slowly figuring out who the people are that I wish to hold close. Those people that I know will be there through thick and thin. Those are the people that I am attempting to spend my time with. Those people include my family. I have this new bond forming with them. I suppose it is the bond that develops as one becomes an adult. I have some new friends and a few oldies but goodies. As I start to think about the future and what it holds for me...I take a slow look at my past. Wow, what a ride. Who would have ever thought I would have ended up here? Who would have thought that I would have ended up happy? I may not know where exactly here is or where exactly tomorrow will take me, but damn if I won't enjoy the ride. I guess this entry is taking a slightly different path then I had first intended. As I sit here and think...and look at my here and now ... I realize damn.. I have come a long way and for the first time I am amazed with myself and I actually feel like I have accomplished something. Not even to say I am done.. noo... there is plenty more that I plan to do and so much more that I intend to accomplish in my time here. This growing up is such a bizarre idea, but it shouldn't necessarily be called growing up. I mean I am not really a child who is still becoming an adult.. I am more an adult who is evolving into an even better adult (or so I hope). The growing process never ceases. I feel as though I am forever changing and I love it. I never want to feel as though I don't have anything else to learn. I am not talking about school, I am talking about life. I want to be in a perpetual state of learning. There is so much that life has to offer. I want to learn how to live in other places, to learn how to play an instrument, learn a new dance style, learn how to be a better girlfriend, a better lover, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother......what a twisted road...and I love not being able to see around the bend. Where will I end up next? What fastball will life throw at me this time and what will I throw back? When I started this entry.. I thought I would write about some amazing conversations I had this weekend and feelings good and bad that coursed through my veins.. and in a way I have.. these thoughts are the product of this weekend and a lifetime. What a way to start off a new month? I signed my life away, but yet I feel free.... and excited