So last night I was talking with friends and one asked me what my feelings where as far as what is the most important thing to have done before you die (or something like that). The question came up because we were talking about death and the large number of funerals that I attend. (My family is very large and to some extent very old. Though it is kinda kewl cause most of them have very full lives before they leave this earth so it kinda makes it ok). Anyway I told her the story about my dad that is written below and told her that that is very important to me... the idea of saying goodbye and going gracefully knowing that you have never left anything unsaid. When I was young, a very close person in my life died at a very young and tender age, for many of us the hardest part was not being able to say goodbye, lacking that sense of closure and understanding. How can one so young have left so early and with so much unsaid and undone? It took a long time for me to come to grips with what happened and even longer to let go. It may sound morbid, but once a year I visit his grave site, just to kinda think and remember who he was and what an impact he had on those around him. The hardest part was knowing that I had never expressed to him how important he was...I think all of us blamed ourselves...nobody saw it coming and noone expected it, it wasa very surreal experience. I still remember getting the phone call and I remember not believing it unil I saw him in the coffin. His fathers pain touched me in a way, I can't even begin to describe. No parent should ever bury their child, especially one so young. From that I learned to always say your goodbyes with tenderness and to keep those you love close and make sure they know it. It took me a while to figure that out, through all the anger and pain and guilt, but I did in time. I sometimes wonder if he realized what a huge imapct he was going to have on those he left behind and how changed we would all be after that. As teenagers and young people, we think we are indestructable.. even though I was surrounded by death at times, it never occurred to me that it could happen to me, to one so young, with so many things left undone and unsaid. I came to learn that death does not care how old you are or what you have or have not accomplished in your life thus far. It is hard to think about, but of course it is a fact of life. There are things that i wish to accomplish in this lifetime and there are things that I have accomplished which amaze me. It is a balance of keeping your eyes on the future, but being prepared for today.

Believe it or not, this morbid train of thought has lead to what I want to do with my future. I am grappling with the idea of grad school and grappling with my need for change. It is so hard to sit here and think, what do I want to be when I grow up and how do i get there. Is what I do now, where I want to be or is there more out there for me that could also make me happy and allow me to feel fulfilled in life. I like to think that I am a here & now type of person, but I know that I can somtimes think into the future and wonder where I want to end up. Do I really want to move to SF? Do I want to stay in the science field? Do I want a family? All of these are things that us 20-somethings grapple with every day. A friend once told me that the years after college were the worst.. you grappled with self worth and where you were going with your life. I was so confused by that thought, wasn't college supposed to give me those answers or something? I guess I didn't pay the amount that was required for those answers. Shortly after college, I had some demons to grapple with and now that I have slain those demons, I am left with the wonder of who I am without them. I have had them for so long that they felt a part of me. Well now what do I do? Noone ever told me how much I depended on those demons, they allowed me to not live a true life or make decisions for myself. I guess now I know, weird feeling. I know I will figure it out and for now I try not to rush myself, as much as I may want to do that... I know it will only make things worse. It is very interesting to look back and see who we were and how we became who we are today and wonder at who we will be tomorrow. There are so many people that play large roles in our lives and so many that we thought would, who in the end played no role at all. I now try to remember who those important people are and thank them cause thanking them through a headstone is not quite the same.

February 15 2002 ....

So it is the day after Valentine's Day, I guess I am supposed to write something profound about love or something? Now don't get me wrong, love is a great thing and I consider myself a very lucky lucky girl for having the patient, understanding boy I do...but it isn't the answer to everything. Alot of people these days seem to think that love will make everything better and that it will always conquer all. Now call me cynical or pessimistic or what have you, but I just dont believe that. Love is a very powerful thing, but there is more to life. And to conquer your own personal demons and obstacles... love can't do that for you, maybe it can give you a push in the right direction, but it can't slay those demons. I think love is used as an escape route and an excuse. I did this for love or how can I do that when I am alone or what have you. I mean lets get serious now, who really believes that crap. We all have our demons.. some more than others and well for some of us we just won't admit it (the demons will come to get you too)...only each individual can fight their own personal demons, noone else can do that for you, you arm yourself with your will power, strength, determination and yes sometimes love, but love is just a tool. And as with any tool it can be used for the wrong purpose and it can be broken. So I suppose "love is a many splendored thing", but it can also be a very dangerous tool.

February 06 2002 ....

So what is it to be happy, what does it really mean? Are you happy if you are in love or if you have the perfect job or the perfect house or the perfect car. Or is it when you have the best relationship with your family or your friends. What does it mean to be happy? Does it mean you are healthy and active? I guess that is why things are so hard...how do we know that we are really happy. I guess we have all heard it said that happiness lies within ourselves. There is some truth in that. You can have everything you ever dreamed of, but if you are not ok with who you are and how you got there, you wouldn't enjoy it. Same as the person who has nothing, but manages to be happy.

So what is it to be happy, what does it really mean? Are you happy if you are in love or if you have the perfect job or the perfect house or the perfect car. Or is it when you have the best relationship with your family or your friends. What does it mean to be happy? Does it mean you are healthy and active? I guess that is why things are so hard...how do we know that we are really happy. I guess we have all heard it said that happiness lies within ourselves. There is some truth in that. You can have everything you ever dreamed of, but if you are not ok with who you are and how you got there, you wouldn't enjoy it. Same as the person who may appear to have nothing, can be happy because they know what is inside them. I think we all know this and try to act as though we are living tha way, but are we really? I think as a race we tend to be scared of what is inside. I know I am. There are these deep dark corners that are covered over with cobwebs... there are times when I am too scared to look inside. Those dark corners harbor secrets and pain and shame and mistakes.. all these things have been locked up and the key has been thrown away. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Can one never find happiness until those secrets are out, the cobwebs are blown aside and the pain is let go? I guess that is the hardest thing letting go of the pain and the hurt. Funny how, we all have the ability to be truely happy in life, but so many of us are unwilling to let go of pain so that happiness can come to life. I was once told a story of a young girl who used to cry herself to sleep at night. She did this night after night for as long as she could remember, until finally one day, she decided to let go of the pain that had been slowly killing her. She blew the cobwebs out and busted down the door. She let it all out, the pain, the misery and her shame, she let it all go. She began to pick up the pieces of her life and actually started to live again. That was the happiest day of her life as well as the last day. When the time came, she was free to go, and happy to be released from this physical life. That was her happy ending. (and you all thought I couldn't write happy endings...)

February 01 2002 ....