So the application is almost done... the time is upon me. i am filled with this sense of dread, but also a sense of relief. i have been trying so hard for so long to make this decision. i was going back and forth and now the decisions is finally made, there is this awesome sense of accomplishment, just in coming to a conclusion, even if it could possibly be the wrong one. The truth of the matter is that i love to learn things and i know going back to school is the only way that i can learn the things i need so that i can take the next step. So assuming all goes well with the application, in September the mayhem begins. My boss came to talk to me today about it. He is worried that i could possibly be put under too much stress... haha little does he know that is the best way for me. i seem to thrive under stress.. hahaha like if you knew me you didn't already know that.So i sit here reading my entrance essay... wondering if it really reflects my "goals" and i am always so intrigued by what goes down on paper when people are forced to write things about themselves. i know my past and i know my present, i know my faults and i am suppose to know my future.... i guess that is one of the hardest things... to lay out this plan, like i am supposed to know the path i want to be on years down the road.. i barely know what i want to do tomorrow and then you ask me to write about what a kick ass person i am and how i expect to accomplish these "goals"... it is surprising what comes out when one is forced to put it all down on paper.... Being back in school will be interesting and it will be better then the last few semesters... cause there will be a goal... a light at the end of the tunnel....a degree... that opens doors... hehhe... heck even opens doors to CA....mmmm....i guess maybe deep down there is a plan?

March 20 2002 ...

So i find myself in a bizarre mood the past few days. i am tired, bored, restless, run down, frantic. i feel this need to go out, but there is no where i wish to go. i feel this need to talk to someone and bare my soul, yet as always something holds me back. i find myself making life choices and wandering what is driving them. is it simply a despreation to keep the wheel rolling? i learned a long time ago that if one keeps yourself busy, you can be given the luxury of not having to think. hey it worked in college... what can i say? It has been a bizarre life till now and to be honest there are days that i fear what the future has in store for me. i realize i have yet to escape from my past demons, i am not sure there is any more room for new ones. the old ones are still lingering. They are not driving me and my life the way they used to, but they are still there.. waiting for a vulnerable moment, so they can pounce... devour...I sit here looking at the pictures that surround my desk.. pictures of people that i hold dear, some have helped to create demons and some have hellped to destroy them. hard to believe i feel like this. Things are actually going quite well. i have a happy home, a wonderful boyfriend, a good career....yet i wait for the bomb to drop...

March 14 2002 ...

So being in New York was a very surreal experience. It was amazing... we stayed downtown, just a few blocks from ground zero. Driving there, it looked like we were traveling through a war zone. It reminded me of the desrciptions that I used to hear in school about London in World War II, when Hitler was bombing them over and over again. It was that powerful. All these building were still standing and then there was this large gaping hole. The roads were all messed up, but the people didn't even seem to notice anymore. I tried to prepare myself for what I would see there, but nothing I imagined could have prepared me. The wall of missing reports and flowers and things that family memebers left behind seemed to go on for blocks. The wall of names was so hard to look at it but after seeing the many pictures, you could actually put faces with those names. It was so bizarre, the contrast.. you take a 10 minute cab ride and you would have no idea what happened...All in all the trip was a great experience and it confirmed what I have been feeling over the last few months. I have been trying to find that sense of direction that we sometimes lose...as well as just trying to feel grounded in who I am and where I am going with my life. I had many wonderful conversations with Regina and Justin and especially with Tony. It was so nice to be away from home and to be able to evaluate things from a far. And to do all these things when destruction is around the corner gives you a very different prespective. It reminds you of how precious time is and how you should use that time wisely. I am havinga very difficult time putting my feelings into words. This was such a powerful trip in so many respects and I feel very different. Maybe in time I can describe better how I feel. New York is a wonderful city and it has survived a disaster for which I have no true comparison. My heart weeps, but it also sings.