So days like today... I wonder why I do all this, why exactly I put up with some of the stuff I do. I will be the first to admit that I am under a decent amount of stress right now and I am preety sleep deprived, but isn't that the time when things are the most clear? Or is it the time that things are most skewed. I have always worked best under stress and I have always believed that stress reveals the truth. So how come people say don't make rash decisions while under stress? If that is the time that you see things most clearly.. wouldn't it be the perfect time to make decisions. Now I know that I have much higher likelihood of overreacting when stressed, but shit who doesn't. I still think I see things more clearly.. maybe that is why I like being under stress, cause then I can see the course I am supposed to take? I get so tired, but I know I can do it all. I always have, but what happens when I slow things down. When I take a breather... how long before I start getting all ancy again? How do we choose our paths in life? What events and conditions lead us there? Is there such a thing as fate? Am I where I was destined to be or did I change that destiny sometime ago? Can you tell I have too many scattered thoughts running through my head right now? So yes making decisions at this very moment may not be the best idea, but I can't help feeling this way...

May 14 2002 ...

While I am driving through base, I look down at my radio to see how late I am. My clock reads 9 11. And suddenly I am reminded of all that has happened since that date. How many people swore they would change the way they were living their lives? How much compassion and love did we see around the world and how quickly did it fade? How soon did we return to our every day lives as if nothing had ever happened? How often do we reflect on the hurtful things we say and do throughout the day... those things that we swore would change?

So as I am thinking about all this I start to survey my current path and my current every day life to see whether I am living up to what I had expected. Anyone who has known me since the beginning of college can tell you I am a much calmer less angrier person. I guess when I first got to school, I had so much built up and pent up anger that I was a horrible person. To be honest those friends who stuck by me, I don't know how they did it. I know I wasn't fun to be around and my outlook on where things were going for me was so bleak. I look at me now and I see a huge change. I am still angry, but not like I used to be and though I am still not an optimist, I am more willing to see the good that can happen. I got alot of that anger out of my system and I have learned how to channel it better. I try to be more patient with people I deal with in every day life. Especially those in the service industry cause well I know that can be a tough position to be in and I do recognize that I am lucky and though I busted my ass to get where I am, it doesn't mean other people aren't busting their ass too. So that is the first thing I notice, how far I have come in my dealings with people and my outlook on life. Than I take a look at my job...it is preety good. There are things I hate about it, just like any job, but all in all it is nice working here and I have kinda defined a path I want to take and well I got into grad school so I will be traveling down that path soon enough. So now my personal life....those I hold close. I have had friendships tested alot through the years. Some have passed and some have failed. And though I hate failure I have come to recognize that when relationships fail it is best to just let it go. I have learned to hold people close. Those people that I know will be there, the real people. All the others though I may smile and be friendly with, I hold at a distance. Partly because I don't have the time and partly because I just don't want to take the risk anymore. It sounds awful, but it is true. I can already tell who my life long friendships are gonna be with and that is all I need right now. And if I discover someone new or realize maybe I have assesed the situation wrong, I will let other people in, but for now I know who counts. There is my family...how much more I value them with each passing year. Wacthing my uncle recover from his painful surgery and realizing how fragile it all is. How though they look invincible... they aren't. And then there is my central relationship. How he makes me smile is amazing. The fact that after all these years I can still look at him and feel this sense of wonderment. I worry like everyone else whether there is something else out there, whether I am making the right choices...but then I remember who I was before and how far I have come and I realize that though I may not know what the future holds... I have a very lucky present. I will live my life with an eye on the future, but I will not lose sight of what is in front of me. I will cherish those that I hold close.

May 1 2002 ...

I finaly got a chance to write today.. oh how I miss that...it is a small story

May 1 2002 ...

Another month comes to a close and I look back to see what I have accomplished from my list of goals in my head. Am I still traveling down the path that I had decided on, am I still growing as a person and am I growing in a direction that Iwant? The intricacies of life and the stuff that runs through my head always keeps me guessing. I am in need of constant change. I cannot handle stagnance. I feel this compulsive need to move, to take my life twirl it around and see where things fall. Kinda sick when you think about it. I have the hardest time dealing when things are going well. I look for things to be wrong...I don't like the pain, but I love constant motion. I guess that may be why I am going back to school. If I do that I can change my job and move... and move to another state which is really what I want to do. Constant change. I wonder if I will ever be happy with a nice content life or if I will always need this change. It is comfortable for me. I feed off of stress. Anyone who witnessed the hell that was my college years understands that. Constant change.....