June 24 2002 ...

When I look in the mirror, I do not like what I see. I am not talking about me physically. I am referring to what I see in my eyes. What I feel. What I want. Who I am. I find myself floundering through the 20's. Wondering where am I supposed to be. I think that is why I want to go to school again. I like what I do and I figure if it doesn't feel right, I can always change my mind. I am trying to go with the flow and expand my options in so many ways. I feel so many different social pressures. I want so much to feel whole, but something is always lacking. It feels just out of reach and I don't even know what it is. I am very tired and I feel very drained.

June 17 2002 ...

Regression... it is very interesting thing. When one starts to regress it is sometimes good to sit back and wonder why this is happening. Why exactly am I feeling this need to hide and be some sort of rebellious teenager. Is it a fear of growing old? A fear of committment? A fear of having to take the next step and the whole time hesitating? When life moves forward I like to plunge right into it... no fear no doubt, but through the years I have become more cautious more weary of just plunging right in. I guess that is part of growing up, you start to realize that there are consequences to your actions and that making decisions on a whim are certainly not the best ideas anymore. It is funny.... while we are growing up, we so want to be adults cause we think how cool it must be. But you know once we get here, we strive to hold onto our youth. to hold onto that individuality that we fought so hard to create. I find myself wanting things that scare me. I want to return to school for more torture and I am doing that. I want to get married and most recently I have wanted to buy a place. Part of me loves renting...I can call the front desk whenever things are broken. It is never my problem. I can leave whenever I want... no hassle involved.. which for me is a good thing. I don't like the feeling of being tied down. I think that is why i have awlays been so scared of marriage. It makes me feel trapped. I know that is not the case, but it is this fear I have. I like to feel as though at anytime I could pick up and leave and start a new life and for some reason renting and not being married gives me that feeling even though it is as far from the truth as possible. I know deep down I could never simply pick up and leave. I know that the period in my life where I could simply walk away and start over is long gone. Not to say I don't like change, cause i do.. I embrace it, but my life has become more complex now. I thought I would never hear myself say that... I guess i have passed into that adult phase. it is a weird time for me and i have all these weird feelings and i find it hard to talk about it, i am not sure why. Through out the years, I have been able to talk about so many different things... very openly... but with this.. I find myself more reluctant to discuss. Writing about it seems safer. even though someone may see it...it still feels safer... not sure that makes any sense. who knows.. there are times where I don't think i make any sense?

June 7 2002 ...

Time away... it always leaves me questioning the varied decisions I have made throughout my life. Who doesn't question these huh? As I wandered around the club in New Mexico I could see my self being veiwed in so many different lights. Some were looking to me for some sort of wisdom as I was the older more experienced. Some were looking to me to help them cling to their youth as if I was some sort of time machine. And some just saw a lonely haunted girl. So what do I see when I look in the mirror? How often does one ask that question? How often do I retreat from it? How scared am I to look in the mirror and to see into my eyes. I find myself retreating in thought more and more these days. This is nothing new for me. I do this every so often. I think in the long run it is good, but while it is happening I feel disoriented and at times I feel pain. A pain that comes from regret and guilt. How gifted I am at making myself feel guilt. All those years of catholic education did not got to waste. I can feel guilt with the best of them. How my heart screams for release....how do I give it the release that it so yearns for? that I so yearn for. As I sit here typing.. I can see the words appearing and thoughts forming, but they seem to be coming too quickly and they are slipping out of my grasp. For now I will let them go.